chromaticdreams (chromaticdreams) wrote in lithiumxbarbie,

It's been a bad year.....

The only difference now, then when things got bad from before (I have very few "good times" to begin with), "bad" meaning there are times I literally think all this will kill me one day soon because I just can't handle it that I have a lover now that knows EVERYTHING about me (and every dirty little secrets I've lived with in my entire life)and I can talk about how I am really feeling and know they will still love me and not be scared away. I think it's the only reason why I haven't gone completely unhinged again. It is seriously the best thing I have going for me right now.

Everything else in my life seems bleak (I feel like I am dying from the inside out) and I know I should be content. My life isn't horrible seemingly form the outside so whay does it feel as if everything is so wrong?

Last time I took meds they worked when they weren't busy making me feel really ill and disconnected from everything. The nausea was so bad I stopped taking them.

I now don't have any medical insurance, and no money to pay out of pocket so I am stuck with my insane mood swings but it seems less and less often the upswing dosen't nearly last any time at all followed by a shit load of manic depression. I can't live like this forever.

I've isolated more then ever before.

I have lost weight because me eating disorder kicked in full swing (not that it ever went fully away but it's vengeful right now...why can't I be stable?

Anyways, I am glad I can post this stuff here.
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"I feel like I am dying from the inside out"

Exactly how I've felt for years. Not sure whether to wish it would hurry up and finish so I can be done with it, or try to fight it.
I spent most of my life trying so far (mentally, self-medicated, medically, and spiritually) to fight it.

...and all it did was make me feel bad about myself because so far nothings worked for me.

Sometimes I don't have the energy to fight it at all, and it makes me sad cause I feel like having to live this way for indeterminate amounts of time could very possibly kill me sooner then later. I feel like I could just give up. Others times there is still something left me. I mean obviously there is or I would be dead by now.

Anyways my emotions and mental being are more balanced today, and things are getting somewhat bearable again.

Until the next episode.