*2's-day* (blutuesday) wrote in lithiumxbarbie,

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This is me

Hey everyone! I have finally discovered communities here on LJ. I feel obligated to post, like most everyone does, and introduce themselves. So, here goes:

I'm a 22 year old female living in St. Louis, Missouri. I have been bulimic for 7 years, and they say I'm Bi Polar, for which I take Lithium. I am a heroin addict, along with score of other things, most of which I use intravenously. I have a needle fixation, and to be honest, I don't believe I would have ever developed a drug problem had it not been for the needle. I used to drink, and do a few lines of cocaine here and there, but never anything major. The first time I shot cocaine (as anyone here knows if they have) blew me away. I took it, and never looked back. I didn't even bother trying heroin any other way, I shot it the first time. I am with a man, who I love very much, and we have been together for years. He started out playing with heroin, and before he knew it, he had a full on habit. He sold for about 2 years, and it was getting out of control. He was doing big things, and the habits were growing. He ended up catching a case, and doing 120 days, and 5 years probation. The past year, we started being careless. Spending 500 dollars on crack and heroin night, and partying all night and day in hotel rooms. We abandoned our lives. He had only 1 year left on probation,and he got caught with a dirty drop at his probation office. (Actually he was at a methadone clinic, and they turned over the urine analysis to the probation officer) It was bad luck, because he had managed to escape dropping dirty numerous times at his P.O. but the methadone clinic were tired of him using. Anyway, so he got sentenced to 120 days, again. So here we are now. I got out of rehab 2 months ago, and am struggling, bad. I want to change this life, but it's hard. Joey and I, we pay our bills, and we arent on the street. We dont fit that horrible stereotype that the world has of junkies. Our habits, my habit, as Im sure it is for many of you, is shrouded in secrecy. This makes it so hard for me to stop. Im a functional junkie. I am also 9 months away from becoming a nurse. I have been in and out of school, the past few years. Doing so many hours, then dropping out to "take breaks." I am starting to go back to school, this coming monday, and if I stick it out, my graduation date is in december. This terrifies me. You cant be both a nurse and a junkie. Joey and I both want things in life, and I say I want to stop, but deep down, do I? Do I really want to kick this time? I dont need to tell you all, this shit is hard. I know I cant spend my days and nights shooting dope in hotel rooms, life isnt about that. And yes, I do want a career, and kids and all that crap. But I want them both, and you just cant do that, can you?
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