too busy you're writing your tragedy (xvividxdreamsx) wrote in lithiumxbarbie,
too busy you're writing your tragedy


Name: Christina

Age: 19

Diagnosis: bipolar, generalized anxiety disorder, adhd

Currently seeing anyone (therapists,shrinks etc): psychatrist and therapist

Hospitalizations(if any): no but its been suggested twice.
Possible times you should have been hospitalized:

Your opinion on your diagnosis, do you feel it's correct? at first i thought it was right but now that i have to pay more attention to how i feel, it doesnt seem right.

Are you currently on medication? If so which one/s? Do you feel its working? i will be starting depakote this evening.

i was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, generlized anxiety disorder, and adhd. at first i was happy i finally had a diagnosis, bu tnow im having severe doubts, all i think about is them being wrong, and that ill never get help. Since ive actually had to start paying more attention to my moods im beginning to notice more things.

I’m beginning to notice that in everyday conversation/activities my moods can change easily, one moment I can be happy and the next someone may say something to me that I don’t like or disagree with, and I feel very agitated, most things can be small or insignificant. I used to be able to map my mood swings out, and now my emotions/moods are so eratic, I just don’t know what im going to feel like the next minute, I could be so happy one minute but the next minute someone looks at me wrong and I get angered, this is getting frustrating, I don’t know what to do, I wish I knew some way to control myself.

I’m so plagued with worry, sometimes I wonder if anybody really knows what’s wrong with me, all I know is that I haven’t felt right for so long, and I don’t even know if its all in my head anymore, I keep thinking no one will ever figure out what’s wrong with me, and just assume I’m crazy, and in the end ill end up alone, everyone’s just going to abandon me, they’re all going to give up on me. I’m worried about everything, I’m worried that I don’t know what I want to do in life, I’m worried that what little friends I have will up and leave me. Sometimes I don’t think I really feel anything anymore, I put the smile on my face, but am I really happy, I don’t think so, I think I just really feel empty inside. I keep wondering who I am anymore, its almost as if there’s this human like figure but inside there’s nothing. It’s empty. Sometimes i just feel like i dont exist in this world, and i need something to make me feel real.

I don’t want to be me anymore, I look at myself and I’m disgusted, I’m a terrible person, I can’t have a stable relationship, I drive everyone away from me. I can’t succeed at anything, I’m terrible at my job, I’m terrible at school, im terrible with relationships. I feel like everyone and everything Is against me, and I can’t even save myself from this terrible world. Why am I in it? I really think that this world was made to make me miserable.

I have a hard time with realtionships with people, i can go from loving them to hating them in minutes, but the second i hate them, i feel helpless, and would do anything for them to not leave my side. I am often terrified that people will leave me, my relationships can become very intense, i get myself very attacted to people, but then sometimes i feel too close and i back away, but then will attatch myself again, sometimes i feel like id do absolutely anything to keep people near me, i have a strong need to feel loved and wanted, but at the same time i can't trust anyone because i think that they are out to hurt me.

I keep thinking what is wrong with me? does everone feel this way?

if i told my therapist that i think i may be borderline, she'll think im a hpyochndriac {sp?} I dont know what to do, she i just tell her everything ive stated above, and she'll make her own conclusions?
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