Demono (demono) wrote in lithiumxbarbie,
Demono
demono
lithiumxbarbie

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God Damn Me

The following is basically just me venting because I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down at the moment, so feel free to ignore it.

I had a med doc appointment today. Technically its in a half hour. I've been waiting over 2 months for it and I decided to cancel at the last second. I feel like an idiot. I've pretty much spent the couple days being nervous about it for some reason. I haven't really gotten any sleep at all last night because I was thinking about it. I hate how I do that. Whenever I have some sort of minor 'obligation' or appointment, even if its something like plans to go out with friends, I will get nervous about it and usually not sleep the night before. I will change my mind about going over and over. I get so fucking anxious for no reason over the stupidest things.

I am going to go down tomorrow and make a new appointment with some lame excuse of being out of town. I should also make an actual therapist appointment too. The last time I went, I believe was around new years. I also should actually start telling the guy some of my problems instead of sugar-coating everything. Its weird, I admitted myself there in the first place and then when I start talking to someone, I try to convince them that I'm doing better. Almost as if I'm trying to impress the shrink and show him I'm alright. I remember trying to open up once but I froze up completely and started panicking when I was trying to explain my point of view. I've told him about my social anxiety, but I haven't told him how bad it can get sometimes. I've pretty much just said I "get nervous around a lot of people". I guess its a lot worse than that. I don't mind going to places where there are lots of people if I can tune them out, such as the movie theater, but if I know I'm going to have to interact with anyone, I feel like I'm going to puke while anticipating it. I think thats why I have so much trouble keeping appointments, especially with the shrink and med doc. Despite signing up for this, the thought of sitting there answering questions makes my stomach turn. I feel like I might slip up or they might think I'm insane, or they might think I'm faking it. I hate not going because then maybe they think I don't need to be there in the first place.

I've been getting depressed more often lately too. I think the seasons might make it worse. When its winter I can use that as an excuse to staying inside all the time. When warm weather comes around and I'm still secluding myself away, I feel like a total fucking loser and I feel like I'm wasting my life because I have no job. This whole anxiety thing is also what made me cancel the whole college state-funded program I was going to attend. The guy told me to go to the college within the next 2 weeks and talk to some professors about the courses I was interested in and also to pick up a guide. Of course I had intentions of doing it, but the fear overcame me and I wussed out. I didn't want to show up at my next appointment with the guy saying I hadn't gone to the college which is 2 miles from my house, so I pretty much just ignored the guy until he stopped calling. I am a fucking idiot.

My friend Doc has been getting offers for work and has been passing them off to me. Mostly construction stuff, but at this point I know I couldn't hold a steady job. I mean, I could always force myself to go but I know I'd either quit after a few days or have some kind of mental breakdown due to the anxiety from the obligation. Don't get me wrong, I really am a lot better than I used to be when it comes to depression, but it seems like the anxiety is getting worse and worse over time. What the fuck am I going to do in the future? I don't want to be a bum living at home, but I don't think I can handle another normal job. I'd love to just be able to sit home and design web pages or something for a living but if I ever wanted to make any real money off that I'd have to go to school for it. I also would still love to do music because thats not work to me, nor is it really an obligation. I can't record anything anyway though, due to my shitty sound card and I'd never get anywhere off that kind of low-quality recordings anyway. My friend Alden has some pretty decent equipment for it and the talent and connections to help back me up musically but I get so fucking anxious when it comes to hanging out with him and playing music that I only do it once every couple months or more.

There really isn't anything wrong in my life except the problems I seem to cause myself. I feel like such a mess sometimes and I feel like I'm going nowhere. Everyone else I know with the same kind of problems seems to be going somewhere. I admire them a lot for it. Being able to get up almost everyday and go out to school or work when I, myself have trouble even stepping out of my own 'room' most of the time. Sometimes I can't even face my family because I'll even get anxious about that for no reason. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I overcome this? Maybe I really should start taking my meds.

*Kicks self for skipping appointment, I knew I'd regret it*

I just hate the side effects that they give me. The stuff I'm supposed to be on (Zyprexa, Wellbutrin) makes me so tired. I was planning on asking for Ritalin at the med doc appointment because I know I feel motivated on that stuff. I actually want to get up and do things when I'm on it. My former med doc suggest that I am probably ADHD and Bi-Polar at the same time so I wouldn't really have a problem getting the stuff, I just get so nervous thinking about asking for it. I've always had a really hard time asking a doctor for a certain med, even if I know it works, just because I feel like "What do I know? They're the doctor, not me". I'm not gonna get the right stuff anyway if I don't even tell them my problems.

Fuck. *sigh*
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