Log in

The haunted

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


I just wanted to announce I am leaving, since this is never updated anymore.

Good Luck to everyone.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

9:22PM - An Introductory Post...

Introduction of sorts...Collapse )

Current mood: cold

Wednesday, December 7, 2005

9:01AM - It's been a bad year.....

The only difference now, then when things got bad from before (I have very few "good times" to begin with), "bad" meaning there are times I literally think all this will kill me one day soon because I just can't handle it anymore...is that I have a lover now that knows EVERYTHING about me (and every dirty little secrets I've lived with in my entire life)and I can talk about how I am really feeling and know they will still love me and not be scared away. I think it's the only reason why I haven't gone completely unhinged again. It is seriously the best thing I have going for me right now.

Everything else in my life seems bleak (I feel like I am dying from the inside out) and I know I should be content. My life isn't horrible seemingly form the outside so whay does it feel as if everything is so wrong?

Last time I took meds they worked when they weren't busy making me feel really ill and disconnected from everything. The nausea was so bad I stopped taking them.

I now don't have any medical insurance, and no money to pay out of pocket so I am stuck with my insane mood swings but it seems less and less often the upswing dosen't nearly last any time at all followed by a shit load of manic depression. I can't live like this forever.

I've isolated more then ever before.

I have lost weight because me eating disorder kicked in full swing (not that it ever went fully away but it's vengeful right now...why can't I be stable?

Anyways, I am glad I can post this stuff here.

Tuesday, August 2, 2005


introductionCollapse )

Thursday, May 19, 2005

3:10AM - newbie

Diagnosis: BiPolar

Currently seeing anyone (therapists,shrinks etc): a psychiatrists for my meds, but no therapy

Hospitalizations(if any): no psychiatrc

Possible times you should have been hospitalized: how many...probably 6 or 7

Your opinion on your diagnosis, do you feel it's correct? well, i dont think that it is all thats wrong with me, i still have issues, but it was nice to know others experience some of the things i wasnt understanding about myself.

Are you currently on medication? If so which one/s? Do you feel its working? lithium and effexor....i think so, havent been on it long enough to really tell.

What do you expect out of this community?: support and a place to vent.

Current mood: contemplative

Friday, April 29, 2005


Name: Nixie

Age: 25

Diagnosis: Bi-polar Type I, Histrionic Personality Disorder, OCD, ADHD, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, Bulemia 10 years...

Currently seeing anyone (therapists,shrinks etc): Was seeing a therapist but I moved recently and I have no insurance so can't afford Psychologists or the meds they want to put me on.

Hospitalizations(if any): Rehab following suicide attempt, June 2004

Possible times you should have been hospitalized: More times then I can remember but I am good at hiding...

Your opinion on your diagnosis, do you feel it's correct? No, the correct diagnosis should just be "Fucked Up", it says it all.

Are you currently on medication? If so which one/s? Do you feel its working? Yes.....Effexor but I can not longer afford it either, besides I am sick of medications. Had the SSRI cocktails for years...

What do you expect out of this community?: I don't know good conversation and people to relate to when I am having episodes...

Thursday, March 10, 2005

2:48PM - This is me

Hey everyone! I have finally discovered communities here on LJ. I feel obligated to post, like most everyone does, and introduce themselves. So, here goes:

I'm a 22 year old female living in St. Louis, Missouri. I have been bulimic for 7 years, and they say I'm Bi Polar, for which I take Lithium. I am a heroin addict, along with score of other things, most of which I use intravenously. I have a needle fixation, and to be honest, I don't believe I would have ever developed a drug problem had it not been for the needle. I used to drink, and do a few lines of cocaine here and there, but never anything major. The first time I shot cocaine (as anyone here knows if they have) blew me away. I took it, and never looked back. I didn't even bother trying heroin any other way, I shot it the first time. I am with a man, who I love very much, and we have been together for years. He started out playing with heroin, and before he knew it, he had a full on habit. He sold for about 2 years, and it was getting out of control. He was doing big things, and the habits were growing. He ended up catching a case, and doing 120 days, and 5 years probation. The past year, we started being careless. Spending 500 dollars on crack and heroin night, and partying all night and day in hotel rooms. We abandoned our lives. He had only 1 year left on probation,and he got caught with a dirty drop at his probation office. (Actually he was at a methadone clinic, and they turned over the urine analysis to the probation officer) It was bad luck, because he had managed to escape dropping dirty numerous times at his P.O. but the methadone clinic were tired of him using. Anyway, so he got sentenced to 120 days, again. So here we are now. I got out of rehab 2 months ago, and am struggling, bad. I want to change this life, but it's hard. Joey and I, we pay our bills, and we arent on the street. We dont fit that horrible stereotype that the world has of junkies. Our habits, my habit, as Im sure it is for many of you, is shrouded in secrecy. This makes it so hard for me to stop. Im a functional junkie. I am also 9 months away from becoming a nurse. I have been in and out of school, the past few years. Doing so many hours, then dropping out to "take breaks." I am starting to go back to school, this coming monday, and if I stick it out, my graduation date is in december. This terrifies me. You cant be both a nurse and a junkie. Joey and I both want things in life, and I say I want to stop, but deep down, do I? Do I really want to kick this time? I dont need to tell you all, this shit is hard. I know I cant spend my days and nights shooting dope in hotel rooms, life isnt about that. And yes, I do want a career, and kids and all that crap. But I want them both, and you just cant do that, can you?

Current mood: confused

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

3:02PM - New



Diagnosis: Borderline/obsessive compulsive/Long term depression.

Currently seeing anyone (therapists,shrinks etc):Yes.

Hospitalizations(if any): None.

Possible times you should have been hospitalized:last week i had a breakdown. i was on my floor and i woulnt stop screaming, i tried to kill my mother beacuse she was laying there with me the whole time. i cut my self up pretty bad and i was compleatly out of control. my mother said that if i hadnt calmed down she would have called 911.

Your opinion on your diagnosis, do you feel it's correct? Yes. i believe its correct.

Are you currently on medication? If so which one/s? Do you feel its working? In on Ambien for my insomnia and effexor for my depression- no it doesnt work. the ambien does, but the effexor doesnt make the slightest diffrence.

What do you expect out of this community?:...Who knows.

Current mood: bitchy

Tuesday, October 19, 2004


ok so i went to the new doctor today, and YES i was right, he says he doesnt think im bipolar like the other doctor said, he said depression, anxiety with obsessive tendancies, and ADHD. so he started me on zoloft and klonopin. he says if i get hyperactive then its a reaction from the zoloft and it might mean im bipolar, but were both pretty sure that wont happen. he said if the klonopin doesnt work then he'll try xanax. after we get those two woked out then he can add something for the ADHD. finally some answers, i want this taken care of ASAP. ive gone too long feeling this way.

Friday, October 15, 2004


ok let me tell you.

im a nanny who lives in with the family, last month i was diagnosed bipolar. thought it made sense, then i started medication and it made me realize how truly unbipolar i am. or atleast i dont think i am, my family agrees. my employer however agrees that if the doctor says this, it must be true since he talked to me for 2 hours.i am currently off meds and seeking a second opinion. but the real problem is that shes told everyone around here that i was diagnosed and they say "and you let her watch your kids?" WTF people, im far from dangerous, in fact im as far from dangerous as they come. michelle says im capable of handling the kids but i really dont like that shes gone and told everyone especially since i am seeking a second opinion. now everyones ggoing to think im a nut or something, and probably dont even have the disorder.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004



Sunday, October 10, 2004


is anyone else on depakote ER?

ive only taken one 250 mg dose and already i feel very tense, my heart is racing, and i assume its from the meds.

also im very affraid of the weight gain ive been struggling th elast 6 monthes to lose weight, and finally lost 25 lbs and have more to go, but i dont want this to get screwed up.

Saturday, October 9, 2004


Name: Christina

Age: 19

Diagnosis: bipolar, generalized anxiety disorder, adhd

Currently seeing anyone (therapists,shrinks etc): psychatrist and therapist

Hospitalizations(if any): no but its been suggested twice.
Possible times you should have been hospitalized:

Your opinion on your diagnosis, do you feel it's correct? at first i thought it was right but now that i have to pay more attention to how i feel, it doesnt seem right.

Are you currently on medication? If so which one/s? Do you feel its working? i will be starting depakote this evening.

i was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, generlized anxiety disorder, and adhd. at first i was happy i finally had a diagnosis, bu tnow im having severe doubts, all i think about is them being wrong, and that ill never get help. Since ive actually had to start paying more attention to my moods im beginning to notice more things.

I’m beginning to notice that in everyday conversation/activities my moods can change easily, one moment I can be happy and the next someone may say something to me that I don’t like or disagree with, and I feel very agitated, most things can be small or insignificant. I used to be able to map my mood swings out, and now my emotions/moods are so eratic, I just don’t know what im going to feel like the next minute, I could be so happy one minute but the next minute someone looks at me wrong and I get angered, this is getting frustrating, I don’t know what to do, I wish I knew some way to control myself.

I’m so plagued with worry, sometimes I wonder if anybody really knows what’s wrong with me, all I know is that I haven’t felt right for so long, and I don’t even know if its all in my head anymore, I keep thinking no one will ever figure out what’s wrong with me, and just assume I’m crazy, and in the end ill end up alone, everyone’s just going to abandon me, they’re all going to give up on me. I’m worried about everything, I’m worried that I don’t know what I want to do in life, I’m worried that what little friends I have will up and leave me. Sometimes I don’t think I really feel anything anymore, I put the smile on my face, but am I really happy, I don’t think so, I think I just really feel empty inside. I keep wondering who I am anymore, its almost as if there’s this human like figure but inside there’s nothing. It’s empty. Sometimes i just feel like i dont exist in this world, and i need something to make me feel real.

I don’t want to be me anymore, I look at myself and I’m disgusted, I’m a terrible person, I can’t have a stable relationship, I drive everyone away from me. I can’t succeed at anything, I’m terrible at my job, I’m terrible at school, im terrible with relationships. I feel like everyone and everything Is against me, and I can’t even save myself from this terrible world. Why am I in it? I really think that this world was made to make me miserable.

I have a hard time with realtionships with people, i can go from loving them to hating them in minutes, but the second i hate them, i feel helpless, and would do anything for them to not leave my side. I am often terrified that people will leave me, my relationships can become very intense, i get myself very attacted to people, but then sometimes i feel too close and i back away, but then will attatch myself again, sometimes i feel like id do absolutely anything to keep people near me, i have a strong need to feel loved and wanted, but at the same time i can't trust anyone because i think that they are out to hurt me.

I keep thinking what is wrong with me? does everone feel this way?

if i told my therapist that i think i may be borderline, she'll think im a hpyochndriac {sp?} I dont know what to do, she i just tell her everything ive stated above, and she'll make her own conclusions?

Friday, June 4, 2004

11:57AM - Newbie

Name: Brandy

Age: 17

Diagnosis: Undecided (Bi-Polar, Borederline, Schizophrenic, PTSD, Major Depression, ODD)

Currently seeing anyone (therapists,shrinks etc): Counselour for probation

Hospitalizations(if any): Yeah once. The fucking doctor couldn't understand that my cutting wasn't suicidal.

Possible times you should have been hospitalized: A period of time when I was suicidal. Tried to kill myself 25 times over a span of just a few months.

Your opinion on your diagnosis, do you feel it's correct? Well if they can't decide then I can't protest. Though I wish they would hurry it up

Are you currently on medication? If so which one/s? Do you feel its working? I'm on d-amphetamine salt combo for my adhd, and am possibly gonna be put on the pill to help my mood...bull shit...its all bullshit...

What do you expect out of this community?: A place where I can find a possible commone ground with someone, and a place to vent.

Current mood: cynical

Monday, May 3, 2004


so, i had a bit of a breakdown yesterday...threatening to kill myself to tim, a friend who means a lot to me and i'm not sure why i put him through that. he was threatening to call butler and i got really scared. i was seriously contemplating doing it too, but usually i just want to do it to express how much pain i am in...yanno, just get really close to death so i can show how bad everything is and overcome it, and come out even stronger. something like that. i don't actually want to die most of the time. mostly the times i really consider it is really impulsive thoughts, and thoughts that tell me i will be better off if i die, that it will make other people happy because they won't have to deal with me any longer and that i won't have to face my doom of depression sneaking up on me time after time. but i'm over it as of now...though, usually around this time of day things get bad =(
but yeah. i'll be okay.

Friday, April 30, 2004

1:28PM - new

Name: Lola

Age: 19

Diagnosis: Bipolar...they're not sure what type it is though...sometimes they've thought it was schitzo-affective...but i think they no longer think that. so bipolar.

Currently seeing anyone (therapists,shrinks etc): yes, a psychiatrist and psychologist (therapist)...i don't call them shrinks...i think the term stems from stigma

Hospitalizations(if any): yes, 3. once when i was pyschotic, and twice for suicidal depression.

Possible times you should have been hospitalized: when i stopped eating for a couple of weeks...i was very suicidal and didn't care about myself at all. a couple of other times as well.

Your opinion on your diagnosis, do you feel it's correct? yes...at first when they told me i was "manic depressive" i thought i must be seriously "crazy" and thought all these bad things about myself because of the stigma attatched to it, i eventually got over that, because i realized the people who think bad things about people with the disorder are ignorant

Are you currently on medication? If so which one/s? Do you feel its working? yes. effexor for depression. abilify for anti psychotic. yes, better than any medicine combo has ever worked for me.

What do you expect out of this community?: a place to gain support hopefully

Current mood: okay

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

2:09PM - God Damn Me

The following is basically just me venting because I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down at the moment, so feel free to ignore it.

I had a med doc appointment today. Technically its in a half hour. I've been waiting over 2 months for it and I decided to cancel at the last second. I feel like an idiot. I've pretty much spent the couple days being nervous about it for some reason. I haven't really gotten any sleep at all last night because I was thinking about it. I hate how I do that. Whenever I have some sort of minor 'obligation' or appointment, even if its something like plans to go out with friends, I will get nervous about it and usually not sleep the night before. I will change my mind about going over and over. I get so fucking anxious for no reason over the stupidest things.

I am going to go down tomorrow and make a new appointment with some lame excuse of being out of town. I should also make an actual therapist appointment too. The last time I went, I believe was around new years. I also should actually start telling the guy some of my problems instead of sugar-coating everything. Its weird, I admitted myself there in the first place and then when I start talking to someone, I try to convince them that I'm doing better. Almost as if I'm trying to impress the shrink and show him I'm alright. I remember trying to open up once but I froze up completely and started panicking when I was trying to explain my point of view. I've told him about my social anxiety, but I haven't told him how bad it can get sometimes. I've pretty much just said I "get nervous around a lot of people". I guess its a lot worse than that. I don't mind going to places where there are lots of people if I can tune them out, such as the movie theater, but if I know I'm going to have to interact with anyone, I feel like I'm going to puke while anticipating it. I think thats why I have so much trouble keeping appointments, especially with the shrink and med doc. Despite signing up for this, the thought of sitting there answering questions makes my stomach turn. I feel like I might slip up or they might think I'm insane, or they might think I'm faking it. I hate not going because then maybe they think I don't need to be there in the first place.

I've been getting depressed more often lately too. I think the seasons might make it worse. When its winter I can use that as an excuse to staying inside all the time. When warm weather comes around and I'm still secluding myself away, I feel like a total fucking loser and I feel like I'm wasting my life because I have no job. This whole anxiety thing is also what made me cancel the whole college state-funded program I was going to attend. The guy told me to go to the college within the next 2 weeks and talk to some professors about the courses I was interested in and also to pick up a guide. Of course I had intentions of doing it, but the fear overcame me and I wussed out. I didn't want to show up at my next appointment with the guy saying I hadn't gone to the college which is 2 miles from my house, so I pretty much just ignored the guy until he stopped calling. I am a fucking idiot.

My friend Doc has been getting offers for work and has been passing them off to me. Mostly construction stuff, but at this point I know I couldn't hold a steady job. I mean, I could always force myself to go but I know I'd either quit after a few days or have some kind of mental breakdown due to the anxiety from the obligation. Don't get me wrong, I really am a lot better than I used to be when it comes to depression, but it seems like the anxiety is getting worse and worse over time. What the fuck am I going to do in the future? I don't want to be a bum living at home, but I don't think I can handle another normal job. I'd love to just be able to sit home and design web pages or something for a living but if I ever wanted to make any real money off that I'd have to go to school for it. I also would still love to do music because thats not work to me, nor is it really an obligation. I can't record anything anyway though, due to my shitty sound card and I'd never get anywhere off that kind of low-quality recordings anyway. My friend Alden has some pretty decent equipment for it and the talent and connections to help back me up musically but I get so fucking anxious when it comes to hanging out with him and playing music that I only do it once every couple months or more.

There really isn't anything wrong in my life except the problems I seem to cause myself. I feel like such a mess sometimes and I feel like I'm going nowhere. Everyone else I know with the same kind of problems seems to be going somewhere. I admire them a lot for it. Being able to get up almost everyday and go out to school or work when I, myself have trouble even stepping out of my own 'room' most of the time. Sometimes I can't even face my family because I'll even get anxious about that for no reason. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I overcome this? Maybe I really should start taking my meds.

*Kicks self for skipping appointment, I knew I'd regret it*

I just hate the side effects that they give me. The stuff I'm supposed to be on (Zyprexa, Wellbutrin) makes me so tired. I was planning on asking for Ritalin at the med doc appointment because I know I feel motivated on that stuff. I actually want to get up and do things when I'm on it. My former med doc suggest that I am probably ADHD and Bi-Polar at the same time so I wouldn't really have a problem getting the stuff, I just get so nervous thinking about asking for it. I've always had a really hard time asking a doctor for a certain med, even if I know it works, just because I feel like "What do I know? They're the doctor, not me". I'm not gonna get the right stuff anyway if I don't even tell them my problems.

Fuck. *sigh*

Current mood: depressed

Thursday, April 15, 2004


Name: Amber

Age: 16

Diagnosis: bipolar, social anxiety

Currently seeing anyone (therapists,shrinks etc): psychiatrist and therapist

Hospitalizations(if any): well they wanted to lock me up one time and took me to the er because I refused to go on vacation... lol, does that count

Possible times you should have been hospitalized: the time I tried to commit suicide

Your opinion on your diagnosis, do you feel it's correct? yeah, but i think theres some ocd and an eating disorder might be creeping up too

Are you currently on medication? If so which one/s? Do you feel its working? depakote, prozac, and klonopin

What do you expect out of this community?: to have somewhere to talk about it I guess, somewhere where people actually get what I'm talking about and I don't have explain things or repeat them.

Current mood: bored

Saturday, April 10, 2004

1:17AM - Addictive personality and other stuff

Recently on television shows and in other sources of news they have been saying that alcoholic parents usually produce alcoholic children. I don't think that is the case actually. I think the problem is that shrinks assume that if the parent or relative has a problem that their child does as well. Even if no evidence of drug or alcohol abuse is shown. It's kind of an easy way out of diagnosis for the individual.

I also believe if someone does happen to have addictive personality that focusing on the actual addiction aspect of it can be harmful and leads to the person focusing more on the need for a substitute because everyone keeps telling them they use drugs/alcohol etc as a tool to overcome pain. If you are constantly talking about your addictions in therapy they aren't going to get any better. I think therapists should also focus on the achievements on the person and not see them as just a druggie. People are not born druggies. As for inheriting it, I don't believe that. It's much more to me than having alcoholic parents. I think I deal with aspects of my life extremely differently and at times more level headed and mature than my parents ever could.

I don't like huge dramatics. I don't prefer getting help unless I am convinced I need it. Help is not effective unless you want it. Doesn't matter what anyone else may say. Or how far down the hole they may think you are. It's all just a matter of opinion.

I've decided I'm against giving children under the age of twelve anti-depressants and other forms of medication for behavior. I think that is too early and I don't believe that the brain is developed enough nor are the drugs. We give kids adult drugs and then when they're 16 they develop tremors and all sorts of unnessasary effects. I think a kid should only be put on medication is they have a severe disorder other than depression. I think at a young age kid are more depressed over not going to the movies or their parents fighting. I think parents nowadays see medication as a substitute for communication with their children. That is unfortunate.

I also think that being a child of disfunctional parent or whatnot leads to the blame game. My parents constantly fight about which side of the family fucked up their kids more. They have yet to come to the conclusion that maybe it was their parenting?! and maybe if they weren't accusing us of using drugs or starving ourselves that we would be more keen on talking to them about our daily lives. Instead I was put on at the age of 15, 3 different anti-pyscotics ,1 mood stablizor and an anti-depressant.

Current mood: awake

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

1:44AM - Self Harm=Bonding?

It seems that the reasons have been ever-changing when it comes to why some people self harm.

Preferably young girls between the ages of 10-17

My sister recently celebrated her 13th birthday party and I thought there would be the usual painting of nails and doing each others makeup occuring. But instead they were pricking each other with safety pins, comparing scars, and cutting themselves in front of each other. One convincing the others is was a great tool especially when you fight with your parents.

This disturbs me. More so that the age is getting younger and that they are so open with discussing it.

My parents were within hearing distance. Nothing was whispered into ears.

Also valid reasons to do it seem unclear. It's almost as if it's the cool new trend. It's now been mentioned in articles as "The Cutting Club" I'm tending to agree.

I've been a self harmer for about 8 years. It was something I hid and was ashamed of for a long time.

Is it that parents are taking cutting less seriously? Or is it that todays youth don't have the proper rolemodels? Or that depression is glorified on televion and in the media more often than before?

I don't know.

I, myself have yet to read the article that was in Teen People magazine about the cutting trend. I've experienced it first hand. My sister has started to harm herself. I've tried to talk to her about it but she shrugs it off as being nothing serious. Sometimes she says she does it because she's mad that her friends do it. So in her mind she seems to see her cutting as a way to make her friends stop cutting.

What I would like to know is if anyone has seen or read articles about this?....Any explanations or opinions?

Current mood: aggravated

Navigate: (Previous 20 entries)